The problem with Loving Love and Wanting to be Chosen

In the most recent season of Love is Blind, there’s a gut wrenching scene in which a young woman is told by the man she loves; that she thought she was going to marry that she is too much. It happens two days before the wedding. They had already picked their first dance song and sent out invitations. She felt blindsided and understandably so.

For those of you who don’t know - Love is  Blind is a reality TV show that aims to test the theory “Is love truly blind.” Couples date through a wall until they make a connection,  and are discouraged from talking about physical features. It is only when the man proposes, that they see each other for the first time, go on their honeymoon and once that is done they get their phones back and proceed to live together. They also have the chance to meet each other's friends and families. It is in this latter phase of the experiment where things typically tend to come apart. 

In breaking off their engagement, Ramses tells Marissa that love isn’t enough. That he’s made emotional decisions in the past and he is unwilling to do so again. That while her energy wasn’t an issue for him before, it is now. She is left sobbing on the floor saying, “I just want someone to choose me.” 

I felt her pain because I too have been told that I am too much by more than one man. I also know what it's like to be really sure that someone would be a good partner for me and have them say, that whatever the feeling and the connection, it is not enough. It does make you doubt yourself and question your instincts. 

On the social media platform X, women were throwing shade at men who go on a reality tv show that is premised on marriage, and then get cold feet when they realise that they have to actually get married. They were also shading women like Marissa for wanting to be chosen so badly that they ignore obvious red flags.

I often wonder why we find it so easy to judge women like Marissa and Ashley,  who go on shows like Love is Blind seeking connection, when the reality is that we have socialised generations of women to see relationships and marriage as THE GOAL. This is part of the reason why I keep saying “ban Disney,” if only to prevent more women from growing up, ‘Loving Love.” I did not grow up dreaming of marriage but the longer I am single, the more aware I am that society is set up in favour of couples. Popular culture also glorifies marriage and the proverbial 'happily ever after'. Whether it is healthy and fulfilling or deeply unsatisfying seems irrelevant.

This conditioning takes place despite statistics showing that approximately 43% of first time marriages end in divorce, and the glaring reality that more of us are single than ever before. According to a recent study by Morgan Stanley, it is projected that by 2030, approximately 45% of women between the ages of 25–44 will be childless and single. 

We are still six years away from 2030 but I know quite a few women like myself in their 40s who are single, although not all of us are childfree. One of them recently messaged me to say, “There are days you come home and you don’t even hear your voice because there’s no one to talk to, unless the phone rings.”

My phone is always on silent and I live alone. Silence is peaceful but it can also be loud and heavy. When we say decentre men and that rejection is redirection, we don’t talk about what that looks and feels like in real life. We do not prepare women for the silence that comes with never hearing another human voice for hours. When the only sound is the hum of the AC unit. When there is no sexual energy and no one desires you; where you can go days and weeks without spending time with anyone and there is no physical touch. Life literally consists of work and home. If you aren’t strong enough, if you’re not intentional about maintaining connections, you will find yourself adrift and the silence and loneliness can wreck you. 

You may end up ignoring red flags like a man failing to disclose that he has fathered three children before proposing to you. You will want to make it work with a man who insists that he doesn’t want children for another 5 years, but wont wear a condom because the sex isn't as good but has not considered having a vasectomy. All because you so badly want to be loved, seen, accepted and married.

To want and desire all of these things, to feel emotion, is at the very core of the human experience. Too often however people, especially men lie to themselves about who they are, where they are and what they want. It takes courage and strength to say “I'm not coming off the top shelf just because you cant reach it.” To learn to be without because as a woman, lowering your standards and requirements can wreck you for life. It might even kill you.