Men can't Plan - Have We lost the plot?

I was recently asked out on a date, but if I’m honest I wasn’t sure that’s what it was. The guy suggested that we have a lime if I was free via WhatsApp, and I responded in the affirmative. He then said, “ Ping me anytime you are free.”

Admittedly I was confused because I have been socialised to believe that if a man is interested, I would know. Such a man would communicate consistently, he would ensure that we spent time together and he would show initiative. I tweeted my frustration saying, “Somebody needs to tell men that if a woman says ok to a lime, that the next step is for the man to suggest a day, time and an event aka HAVE A PLAN! It is not to say, “let me know when you’re free.” 

A guy friend immediately responded with a reality check saying, “Nah. Doh wait for no man to do that. Suggest a date and make it happen.The men of 1950 ain’t coming back so you set the terms and also no expectations.”

Not exactly the response I was expecting because I have been direct with men for much of my life with very little success. I have had men tell me that ‘men like to chase. If you’re too direct, if you’re too forward, it takes the thrill of the hunt away.’ 

At this point it very much feels that whatever the dating game is, with its nuanced rules of social expectations, your girl was in the bar drinking and missed the entire memo. 

Another man told me that men model what they see and they don’t see men making plans and taking initiative. That is after all what confident, self-assured, career women like me do. I was reflecting on this when I observed a woman walking in the mall with her son. He must have been about seven or eight years old and he was walking behind her; not in front of her where she could see him or at the side of her. I found it both weird and slight unsafe because when I see a man walking with his son, the child is never behind but at the side of, or on the shoulders of his father. 

I shared my observations with my therapist and he asked if I had never noticed couples where the woman always appeared to be walking ahead of the man. I was shook because while I have seen this, I rarely gave it much thought. In essence, the working theory I was left with, was that  social conditioning has beaten the ability to plan out of most men. This has occurred in direct response to women having more freedom and autonomy than they have ever had in history.  Men  do not want to risk being seen as domineering, aggressive or too eager. Instead of asking a woman what she wants to do, or suggesting an activity to gauge interest, it appears that men basically express some base level of interest, and trust that the woman, if interested woman will come up with a plan. 

This is especially unfortunate for me because I have realized that if I have to be prescriptive with a man; to the point where I have to plan everything we do together, it is only a matter of time before my attraction and respect for him wanes. I want a man to ask questions of me, to observe and get to know me so that he can understand my likes and dislikes to the point where he can suggest things that I would like to do. For me, the ability to do this is also a sign that said man would be able to help manage household responsibilities without being told. In my experience there is nothing more infuriating than living with a man, sharing some of the household responsibilities and yet I am still the only person who ever knows if the household needs ketchup, oil or laundry detergent. 

The reality is that I have to be proactive and make solo decisions every single day personally and professionally. When my car tyre gets a flat or my apartment floods, I have to figure out how to “work the problem.” When I am sick, I have to take care of myself. There is no shared labour or brain space and no elder to turn to for counsel and direction. I do not know what to do with a man who does not know how to ask me what I would like to do, or who finds himself unable to suggest an activity for us to do at a particular date and time. If men have lost the ability to do something this simple, I fear that I am destined to be alone. 

I wonder if this is the consequence of single parent homes, or homes where the emotional and physical labour of a household isn’t shared in a collaborative way. If men don’t see men around them doing something, they intuit that the doing of that thing is always on a woman. While this may be true I also know men who saw everything their mothers had to do with no partner; who decided that the best response to that would be to find, support and actively work to raise a woman’s value because “together we can do it better.” 

The man who told me that men can only model what they see, also said that the only reason he stopped being an “old hoe” with little respect and patience for women was because he had a daughter. As a single woman that was disheartening to hear because to me blindly modelling what you see defeats the whole purpose of having a brain. If a man is incapable of assessing a situation, asking questions and seeking information before choosing a course of action that may very well be different from what he has seen previously -  is he really a man?

My parents did not have the best relationship and as a result relationships have always fascinated me. I read, I question, I listen. If I like a man, there is nothing about him that I do not want to know. I believe that both parties in a relationship have to be co-providers in every sense for it to work. If a man is unwilling to come up with a plan to ensure that he can see and know me, I question if he’s really a man or a lemming.