Post Colonial Love

Over the Emancipation weekend, I shared a quote from actress and fashion icon, Tracee Ellis Ross to my Instagram stories which read, “Women have to wait until the man is ready…not wait for partnership to find joy.” 

In response a male acquaintance said, “She is so lonely and has issues from a child. I have listened to her in interviews, and she takes a position away from a traditional home because she has hurt and pain from her past.” 

He insisted that I shouldn’t think he was being harsh but “from listening to several of the things she says. No man wants to be with her.”  While I do not typically respond to men sliding into my DMs with their thoughts, he wasn’t a complete random, so I decided to engage. 

In my response I said, “That’s not what I’ve gotten from listening to her but in many ways, I am like her. I am single at 42 with no children. I have spent more time single than in relationships and society definitely tells me that no man wants to be with me. Everybody has hurt and pain from their past. As adults all we can do is try to heal ourselves. Traditional homes have caused their faire share of hurt and pain. Loneliness is part of life especially when you’re not doing what everyone else your age is doing. Give her and women like her a little more grace.” 

What came next was a 3:54 second voice note which left me reeling. He started off by saying that Ross was lonely for certain reasons, and that “she just can’t keep a man.” Firstly, I’m not sure that a man, or any person for that matter can be kept. Words mean things, and human beings have free will and choice. If a woman has to constantly do something to “keep” her partner it suggests as one girlfriend said that “he is always leaving and that we (women) must chase and hold onto, digging our nails into the ground,” or a man’s flesh to keep him.  

Personally, if I need to constantly remind a man that loving me and being with me is a good thing for us both, not just him; or that I am deserving and worthy of him staying, I’m not sure I want it. Frankly that type of love sounds exhausting. It requires a constant state of hyper vigilance and performance, that everything I know about biology, and the stress hormone cortisol tells me, is not a good space for anybody to exist in.

Fact: If a man wants to leave or cheat, nothing will make him stay. The reverse is also true.

In speaking to my singleness, he said, “Maybe your career, or the things that you do, where you go especially if you still live in Trinidad, its hard because you need to have social constructs to reach somewhere to meet the right person.”  

Social constructs are those shared beliefs or practices that are understood and accepted by a group of people. It shapes behaviour and interactions, and in high context societies like ours, these are likely never explicitly stated but include things like race, gender, class, money, success and beauty. 

Given that the man uttering these words to me presents as “red” and “upper middle class,” I have quite a few guesses as to the social constructs that I presumably lack to be successfully partnered by Trinbagonian standards. 

He went on to tell me quite a few things about love as he defines it, before insisting with some force that I “never follow American culture. Scandinavian culture, even Asian culture is better when it comes to what, who and where you’re supposed to look. These cultures after all are more traditional and family based.” 

I am a firm believer in adopting the benefits of other cultures. However, using societies and cultures that are more homogeneous than ours, and who do not share a legacy of either slavery or indentureship is inherently problematic. History, socio-economic conditions and culture provide context for all social constructs, especially those that I supposedly lack.

It is an interesting choice to speak to a Black, Caribbean woman about a Black American woman and say be more Scandinavian and or Asian in your approach. To say that Ross’s way of viewing the word is “unreasonable” and that women like her “get to pick,” also says many things. 

Fact: Men have been told through socialisation that their value is dependent on their wallet, career, social status and to some extent physical appearance.

Most of the single women I know like me, have degrees, are relatively successful in their career of choice and can provide for themselves without requiring a partner. Some, not all of us are desirous of partnership but we do not need a man to make our way in this world. 

I think this shifting reality has made it difficult for successful, independent women to attract suitable partners. In the words of another girlfriend, “Once a woman has the capacity to be self-sustaining the intimidation factor kicks in. If a woman will not choose based on the need to protect or provide it becomes a challenge (for men) because they do not understand their value beyond that.” 

Fact: You can’t make someone see or understand their value. 

Unsurprisingly the perception that I am intimidating, is the sentiment that most of my guy friends use to explain my relationship status. I feel disheartened when men say this to me because the things they cite as “intimidating” are things that I have no desire to change. 

I quite like the life that I’ve built for myself, and the joy that I am able to provide myself. I still feel lonely at times, but I have friends of both sexes that show up for me in ways that I used to envision only a romantic partner could. 

At the core I want a man who makes me feel smart, funny, cherished, beautiful, easy to be around and secure in our relationship. I want to feel seen, safe, supported and chosen with the same certainty with which I have chosen him. I refuse to settle for a man who doesn’t genuinely like being with me, who is constantly “running away” from me and for whom our relationship is solely a means to get sex, care and attention. 

Unlike the man in my DMs, love to me is less the thing that “ignites a fire, entices you with different flavours and has both passion and compassion” and much more consistency, companionship, peace and freedom to be myself. 

To my dismay, men have told me that those things cannot exist together and that I must choose two. Personally I think it’s time we change the norms of what we accept in our relationships. We should want to build relationships platonic and romantic, with people who have the capacity to see us, who are excited about us, happy that we exist; and are able to hold space for and see value in us outside of the titles, the roles we play and or what we can provide.