Reading Rootless Triggered Me

I saw a quote while scrolling the socials recently that said “Nonfiction is learning through information and fiction is learning through imagination.” I have always felt strongly about the latter, because the themes explored in contemporary fiction novels often reflect real-life, and can help us gain clarity on a range of thorny issues.

I just finished reading Krystle Zara Appiah’s debut novel “Rootless.” Goodreads describes it as “A provocative debut novel about a marriage in crisis that asks the question: Can you ever be rooted in a home that's on the brink of collapse?” Trust - it is that and much more.

Relationships have always fascinated me, and consequently I have always been curious as to what drives people, myself included to get into them; stay in them when they are clearly no longer working, and ultimately in some cases make a lifelong commitment to marriage and children.

Without giving too much of the story away because you really should read the book, here are some of the thoughts I had while reading Rootless.

• Be absolutely clear about what you want BEFORE committing to spend your life with someone. It is absolutely MAD to me that there are people in novels and in real life who want children, but choose to marry people who either don’t want them or aren’t sure they want any. Fact: People don’t change unless they want to.

• "Don’t have a child with or for someone who doesn’t want one.” My father was the first person to tell me this, and throughout this read I heard his words echoing in my head. I think this advice holds true regardless of gender.
  

• Your happiness should never come at the expense of someone else. One of the most triggering things I read in this book was, “It’s also your job as a woman to be miserable so your child can be happy.” I am convinced, that this belief is why toxic West-Indian parenting is a thing and why so many of us, myself included have strained relationships with our mothers, because at some point resentment kicks in.
  

• Postpartum depression is real and it is frightening. Shout out to the mothers who made it through , but I don’t even want to chance getting it. Also is it that some men do not like women, or are they just completely unaware and unhinged when they are thinking about the risks and requirements of pregnancy and parenting? I ask this because the husband in the book after seeing his wife struggle through her first pregnancy, said “it’s not huge shifting from one kid to two,” when she got pregnant again. Y’all I couldn’t take care of a dog by myself, far less a human child.

More importantly why does the responsibility to not get pregnant in committed relationships rest so heavily on women through the use of the pill and or IUDs? Vasectomies are reversible and require less downtime than a woman tying her tubes and without the hormonal side effects of the pill. Why aren’t more men having them? Either way, can we get to the point where we normalise abortion so women do not feel trapped into going through with pregnancies that they do not want, especially when there is no wider support system to help care for a child. Finally, no man should have the gall to tell a woman that the decision to have an abortion is not hers to make.

Having a child changes your life and my idea of a good time is still 'batting' a bottle of quality rum like Angostura’s Zaya and engaging in witty conversation on just about anything with friends over food for hours. I want many more days like this in my future, not less.

• Effective communication is key - if a relationship is to survive the peaks and troughs of life. “Love and regret aren’t mutually exclusive,” but if you can talk about it, maybe just maybe you can spare yourself and the person you love some unnecessary heartache.
  

• Live your life and know who you are before becoming a parent and or getting married, less you run the risk of both things feeling like a trap. When Efe’s husband asks her why she abandoned their family, it is impossible to be unmoved when she says - “I always came last. I gave up my career, my body, 5 years of my life. I saw a glimpse at something close to happiness and I took it.”

• Self interest is not necessarily a bad thing. While you can go around doing what everyone else and or society thinks you should be doing for most of your life, every action has consequences. I think if you go this route, one day you just might abandon everything for a moment of freedom or happiness with devastating consequences for the people you claim to love.
  

• Boundaries are important because I absolutely agree with Appiah when she writes, “People, even the ones who love, can be a weight around your neck. You have to choose which weights you want to carry.”

• Time is not a never ending resource. Believing this is nothing more than vanity.

Rootless does not have a happy ending. Make time to do the things you love today. Choose the weight that you want to carry.