Men Lately

Newsday columnist Debbie Jacob recently wrote an article titled, “Boys in Crisis: It’s worse than expected.”  In it she points to international research found in the academic journal, Advances in Social Science, Education and Humanities Research, which suggests that the ‘boy crisis’ is now a global phenomenon. 

In her article, Jacob writes that “Boys don’t know what their relationship with girls is supposed to look like as girls outperform them and exhibit more confidence and independence.” As we all know, boys grow up to be men, and I have spent more time single than in relationships in my adult life. I actually often feel that men do not know what to do with, or how to have a relationship with women like me. 

The truth is that I grew up with a father who told me that I had the same rights and freedoms as men; including sexual ones, but I should know that society would judge me differently for exercising those rights. As an attractive woman, I often feel that my sex appeal and my intelligence are unlikely bedfellows, because if a man sees me in one way, it almost eliminates his ability to see me in another sphere. I was once told by a guy I was dating that “good girls don’t behave or think like me,” so while he was happy to keep our relationship sexual, he would never see me as a girlfriend or a wife. 

A few of my guy friends routinely joke that I would make fairly decent money if I had an Only Fans account. One of them admitted recently however, that in all seriousness, a woman like me could never have an Only Fans account. In his words, “Your eloquence, your brain, your ability to reason, your logic, all of that will be gone. You will literally be a body, and when I say a body, I mean from your face go forward and down. No brain. You might as well not even have the back of your head. ALL GONE!” He then went on to say, “Another problem you’d face is that you will make a point that a man realises is an excellent point, that shuts down something he was saying - and his ego and his dick will shrink by two inches. You will face a lot of that”  

His sentiments are in line with my lived experience because I told my therapist recently that I feel as if men do not like me, but they want to have sex with me. They do not like me enough to talk to me regularly, or spend time with me, nor do they care what I think; and believe me I have lots of thoughts on everything from sports to politics and social issues. In fact, a man who I recently accused of “bread crumbing” me because our interactions went from daily conversations to a gap of up to 11 days between messages, recently told me “I don’t even remember texting you nah.” My response was to tell him that we shouldn’t talk until he can remember when he texts me. 

I often say, "Men choose, women settle” because while I can choose who to sleep with; the more than; the care, the consistency and consideration of a relationship is not something I or any woman can make a man display. The flip side of this is that the men who do want a relationship, often also want a measure of control over me and my choices that I find disconcerting. In extreme cases, he might even expect me to be the “provider” in the relationship. I am uncomfortable with both requests.

I do not take kindly to being told that I can only wear certain things in my man’s presence, or that I am no longer allowed to lime with and consult my guy friends because I now have a partner. I also believe in splitting costs 50/50 or at least having a conversation about who pays for what and the impact on our individual bottom lines. Life costs money and at my age, everybody has commitments ranging from car notes to rent, mortgages and student loans. 

I recently hosted a lime for my football chat and it struck me that if I had a partner, he would have to be extremely confident, self-aware and most importantly secure in himself and our relationship to even be remotely comfortable with me playing host to 5 men - only one of whom brought his wife. I only know two men who would be able to navigate a social situation like that without feeling threatened and neither of them are single.

It is wild to me that there seems to be a loud and growing section of men in real life, and on the internet who believe that women in relationships and of a certain age should not act a certain way or do certain things.  For starters, they shouldn’t have guy friends. 

One of the last videos the alleged murderer of Calida Schamber posted to his Facebook page was of a man saying, “Your man doesn’t want you to be friends with other men, not because he doesn’t trust you, he doesn’t trust other men and there are things you can’t do in a relationship.” This man had his friends on Steve Jobs internet saying, “You never know what women does be putting men through, we only see the after effects.” Another man on the social media platform X, even went so far as to say “horning me and making a child with d horner man as my wife, is not enough reason to kill a woman but it is a hell of a motivator.’  As if men have not been doing the same thing for centuries.

Halle Berry recently posted a picture of herself in a body suit and without fail there was a man in the comments telling her that she was too old to be posting photos like that. I am of course closer in age to Halle Berry and when I see comments like this I think,  men do not like us women. They want to sleep with us, control us, and be cared for by us but they absolutely do not like or see us as equals.

In the words of one friend, these men are “unwell.” The consequence of boys in crisis is male fragility and truthfully, I do not know where that leaves me. I was told to be, encouraged even, to be strong and independent growing up - but my therapist tells me that if you ask any man what they want in a wife, no man will say that.

I wonder if men even think about the type of partner they want to have and what good looks like in a relationship before marrying. I say this in part because too often, married men or men who are coupled up say that I am a ‘vibe,’ and they will call and message and make time for me. They will not of course relinquish or leave their relationship. 

There are many reasons for this of course. The sad facts, and the uncomfortable reality of dating in today’s world is that people can only meet you, as far as, and as much as they have met themselves. I want a partner who appreciates my range, enjoys my company and with whom I can engage in an inspired debate and witty banter without compromising my own concupiscence. I am slowly making peace with the reality that a man like this is rare because his courage, self-awareness and willingness to do the work on self even when it is hard must match mine. He must also be willing to make space for me to do the things that make me happy, even if they mean time away from him. I know I will have to do the same but I am unwilling to accept less. 

My freedom and my peace will always come first, but I truly hope that the partner I envision exists. In the meantime I will keep doing all the little things that bring me joy, even in the moments when they don’t feel like nearly enough.