Domestic Violence - An Ode to Toxicity

I was scrolling Twitter earlier today when one of our local media outlets, tweeted a headline which read “Man shoots ex-wife at mall, kills bystander, takes own life.” I immediately retweeted it with the statement, “We gotta teach people that a relationship ending is not failure, and that being single at a mature age is not some fatal flaw." My first thought however when I saw the headline was the memory of twelve year old me telling my mother, “Wife is an endangered species of which I want no part.” It’s been more than two decades since and people, men and women, are still killing their partners in domestic disputes. 

While the victim is most often a woman, and the instinctive reaction to headlines like the above is to point to machismo culture, male toxicity and a lack of coping skills by men, I want to make it abundantly clear that men are often silent victims of domestic violence. I say this because there are women with as much toxic traits, thoughts and behaviours as men. In my opinion, there is no difference between pulling a steering wheel and causing a fatal crash, and securing a gun in order to commit a murder suicide.

The reality is however that women too often get a pass for their toxic tendencies. In fact someone who I don’t know made it a point to respond to my tweet saying, “And you think the day after a man shoots his ex and murders a bystander is the right time to talk about “both sides”. NO” I wonder if she or he saw the viral video of the woman throwing her partners clothes outside the house in a fit of rage, before leaping onto his back and starting to pummel him with punches in the head. Most people commenting on that video found it funny, and all I could think was if that man had reacted in any way to her attack, he would be the villain. I know of women who have made men bleed and thrown things at them in fits of rage. Men may not feel empowered to call that behaviour toxic but trust me IT IS. 

Social conditioning is the process of training individuals in a society to respond in a manner that is approved by the society in general and influential peer groups within that society. What conditioning and socialisation has failed to teach us however, is that heartbreak and grief are hard and inescapable truths of the human experience. Instead we have raised generations of women on Disney movies, fairy tales and romcoms with happy endings. On the flip side, men are told that they must be strong, silent providers. Both teachings are inherently flawed. The former subconsciously tells women that a long term relationship is the holy grail for happiness, and the latter conditions men to bottle up their feelings and eschew healthy coping mechanisms which are often seen as ‘woman tings.’ The old people were right to say, “too much pressure does buss pipe,” and if thoughts, lead to feelings which lead to action, then no human should be encouraged to bottle up their emotions over time. 

If you had told me at 20 I would be single at forty, I would not have believed you, but 

I grew up with a father who despised Disney movies and fairy tales. If he caught me watching or reading one he would say, “STOP FULLING YOUR HEAD WITH FOOLISHNESS!!!” Young me thought that he was a contrarian and against my happiness. Today single me wishes he was alive so I could thank him, because he absolutely knew what he was doing. It may take time but it is imperative that we all learn that the holy grail for your happiness, success and worth as a human being should never lie in something  that is not fully under your control. Also, no human is property to be controlled and you really cannot make anyone choose you or love you, no matter how hard you try. 

I like to think of relationships as gardens - sometimes everything is in bloom and the garden will be awash with vibrant colours, but on some days, flowers will fall to the ground and leaves will be shed. This could be due to any number of reasons but with the right conditions - rain, sunlight, attention, fertiliser, the flowers will bloom again. That doesn't change the knowing that all plant parents have; that you can try hella hard to save a plant, sometimes it STILL dies. 

Life doesn't come with guarantees. Endings are painful. Loss and rejection are difficult emotions that can be hard to accept. Don’t let anybody tell you otherwise. I truly believe however that suicide, self harm and or harming someone else, is a permanent solution to a pain that WILL pass. 

I think we need to normalise feeling ALL the emotions that come as part of the human experience. In doing this we will create safer spaces within our communities, so that people can admit when they’re struggling, don’t feel as bad about asking for help and maybe just maybe it will be easier for the people who feel like they absolutely won’t make it to get the help they need.

That said it is absolutely true that as a society, we have normalised violence and socialised generations of men and women to think that if a long term relationship ends they are failing at life. When my last relationship of almost three years ended, I had to remind myself that “A season ending is not failure.” I even went so far as to write it down on sticky notes that I placed around my apartment to pull me back when I felt myself getting down. 

Do I want a partner; yes. Does being single feel lonely AF sometimes, absolutely! I do however try not to give in to the belief that love is scarce and that I am too old. I know deep down that tomorrow isn’t promised so I try to do the things that I love, with the people that I love as often as I can. When that fails, and sometimes it does, I have a little post it note that says, “Just because it is taking a long time, doesn’t mean it's not happening.”